My Diabetes Secrets

call-center-secretsLike many of you, I have found the new D-website My Diabetes Secrets to be fascinating, but it’s also a bit sad and scary to see the pain that others are going through.

While there are many benefits to anonymously share secrets, I also feel that there is still this unspoken shame that what we are feeling isn’t “normal” or “accepted” and that’s why we must say these things anonymously.

I don’t want to take away the freedom of anonymity, because it can bring a special kind of relief, but I’d like to add to it by openly declaring some of my personal truths that may otherwise have gone unmentioned. 

In honor of World Diabetes Day, I present to you fourteen of my diabetes secrets.

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I am intensely jealous of anyone who calls a 160 mg/dl a “high blood sugar” or who can feel symptoms of a high blood sugar at 200 mg/dl. I give myself a pat on the back if I’m under 200 mg/dl and the cotton balls don’t take over my mouth until at least 340 mg/dl.

~*~

On one hand, I don’t understand parents who treat diabetes like it’s the Bubonic Plague, the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to their child. I don’t like it when diabetes is over-dramatized. Just raise your child to be the person you wanted them to be before they were diagnosed. Everything will sort itself out in the end.

~*~

On the other hand, I don’t like it when people with diabetes act like diabetes is not a big deal, and they just go about their day as if diabetes is just like brushing your teeth or wearing contacts. It isn’t! It’s a big fucking deal!

Except it isn’t! It’s cool! Everything’s going to be okay! Maybe!

Clearly I’m very conflicted about all this.

~*~

I have to bite my tongue so often when people say the dumbest, meanest, most inane things about type 2 diabetes. People think they are making me feel better by making fun of “those others” but really it just makes me want to flip a bitch switch. And most of the time the worst offenders are people with type 1 diabetes.

Repeat after me: Obesity is NOT the cause of type 2 diabetes. It is one of the many factors that contribute to it.

~*~

I wish I had the motivation to be as strict with my food and exercise habits as some other people I know. I don’t know how they do it and I’m ashamed that after 20 years, I still feel like I don’t take my own diabetes as seriously as I should.

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I think the reason I am so lax with my eating habits is because I’m continually rebelling against my disease. Even if I know it hurts me more than I’m hurting “it,” I still feel like saying no means diabetes is winning.

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I dislike testing my blood sugar. I dislike it even more when I know my blood sugar is high. Which is, of course, precisely when I should be testing it. I don’t like to see the number, and I don’t like that it makes my meter average go up. As if that has some sort of bearing on what my A1C will end up being.

~*~

I’m absolutely terrified that I will either 1) be a terrible diabetes educator and / or 2) hate being a diabetes educator.

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I rarely bring back-up supplies with me. I’ve been caught in a bind on more than one occasion, yet that hasn’t changed my habits.

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Before I got my CGM, when I’d wake up in the middle of the night to pee, I knew I was high. But I wouldn’t always test because I didn’t want to turn on the light so I would just bolus as if I was 300 mg/dl. It was pretty stupid, but it always worked. My endo was appalled when I told her this.

~*~

I feel like I’ve been demoted from Big Important Thought Leader Blogger to just your average D-blogger. Or maybe I resigned? It’s funny how tired you can get of your own supposed life’s work. Sometimes I’m exhausted and annoyed with thinking and talking about diabetes and I just want it all to go away. But when I see others doing amazing advocacy work I get jealous that I’m not putting in more of an effort. It’s a constant tug of war on my heart.

~*~

I’m firmly planted on Team “Changing The Name Of Diabetes Won’t Make It Any Easier To Understand Or Live With So Move Along” I really just don’t get the big deal, nor do I think a name change will help a damn thing. It’ll just give them one more thing to be confused about.

~*~

Not everyone in the diabetes community likes each other. I used to be intensely bothered by this fact, but then I realized it’s completely normal. And once I realized that I only needed to spend time with those who liked me, and not try to force the entire community to like me, I felt much better.

~*~

And to the person who posted this secret, you are definitely not the only one who has wondered how much insulin it would take to not be a person with diabetes anymore.

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This entry was posted in Diabetes and Emotions, Diabetes Online Community, Living with Diabetes. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to My Diabetes Secrets

  1. Reva says:

    I love this post, thank you so much for sharing! I swear some of these secrets you were reading my mind!

  2. StephenS says:

    Allison, this is amazing. And brave. Can I steal your idea for a post?

    Two things:

    I think you do take your diabetes seriously. I can tell how important it is to you. You’ll find the right relationship between food, exercise, and insulin, even if it seems like it takes forever. And once you do, you’ll still have moments when you want to consume everything. We all do, even if 160 mg/dL is high to us.

    You are a Big Important Thought Leader Blogger. My problem is that I don’t visit here often enough to remind myself of that fact. That’s my diabetes secret.

  3. anon says:

    no d-blogger is “just an average D-blogger”

  4. Thank you for this. You said a lot of things which were on my mind. As usual, we probably have more in common than we realize. <3

  5. Brea says:

    did you know about this tumblr? It’s been around for years.
    http://diabeticonfessions.tumblr.com/

  6. Pingback: Advocacy Doesn’t Have To Be Flashy | The Blood Sugar Whisperer

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